You're at Zach's place.

Welcome! Your room’s controls are right up top, and everything you could possibly need to know is in the sections below.

Fair warning: this apartment is a smart home, which means it is mostly delightful and occasionally has opinions. If anything looks broken, haunted, or simply wrong, let me know. I promise I am never tired of hearing about it.

The callbox and entry are on Spring St. Buzz the concierge and they’ll let you into the building. They’ll have your name, so check in with them and they’ll send you up to my floor.

The keychain has the code for my front door. Once you have it, you are officially free-range. If I set you up in the DOOR app, it opens my front door too.

There’s parking. Just tell me you’re bringing a car and I’ll sort out where it goes.

Towels — on your bed, with extras under the bathroom sink. The robes in the guest bathroom are clean and they’re yours.

Water — on the bathroom counter, with backup in the fridge. Ice machine in the freezer.

• Network: Emmi Midtown
• Password: 1rrjopek

The controls at the top of this page and the Chromecast only work on this network, so join it first.

• The overhead light and the fan are on wall switches, like it’s 1997.
• The nightstand lamps dim when you twist the base, and the base has USB ports, so your phone can charge right next to you.
• The little button remote on the bathroom counter has a button for the bathroom lights: one press turns both the Live Nudes sign and the lava lamp on or off.
• Your room’s accent lights (the TV bars, the IG logo, and the two lights in the guest bath) are also on the controls at the top of this page. While you’re here they’re yours, and the house won’t override them.
• Everything else in the apartment runs itself off whatever it knows: the weather, the time of day, how bright it already is, who’s home, what’s on my calendar, and more. This is Zach’s home, after all.

The DeLonghi Rivelia coffee machine on the counter will make you very nearly anything. There are two bean hoppers that swap out on top — try both, that’s the entire point of them.

How to run it: turn the machine on and let it finish its warm-up cycle. Don’t put a mug underneath until that’s done. Tap your drink, adjust whatever you like, and press Start.

Mugs are in the cabinet directly above the machine.

Milk drinks: the milk is in the fridge and the milk carafe sits next to the machine. Fill the carafe, then pull the hot water spout out of the slot on the front of the machine and push the carafe’s spout into that same slot until it clicks. Then pick your drink. After every milk drink, turn the dial on the carafe lid to “Clean” and press Start to run the auto-clean. Skip it and the next drink tastes haunted. Then put the milk back in the fridge and the hot water spout back in its slot.

Tea & hot water: check that the hot water spout is in the slot (not the milk carafe), then pick Hot Water.

• Trash and recycling — both in the bin next to the bathroom. Left for recycling, right for trash.
• Compost — a foreign concept around here, but food waste can go into the Reencle machine near the coat closet. Ask me and I’ll show you.

The building has a pool, a gym, grills and firepits by the pool, and a couple of lounges with big TVs (plus an outdoor movie screen at the pool).

Guests can use all of it with me, so if you want to work out, swim, or grill, just tell me and I’ll set it up.

That’s everything. Make yourself at home in the most literal sense: eat the snacks, light a candle, take a bath, stream porn, disassociate, and by all means try to break the smart home — we love an edge case.

If you need anything at all, just ask.