You're at Zach's place.

Welcome! Your room’s controls are right up top, and everything you could possibly need to know is in the drawers below.

Fair warning: this apartment is a smart home, which means it is mostly delightful and occasionally has opinions. If anything looks broken, haunted, or simply wrong, let me know. I promise I am never tired of hearing about it.

The callbox and entry are on Spring St. Buzz the concierge, who will let you into the building — then check in with them and they’ll send you up to 31P.

Once you have the keychain, it has the elevator code and the door code on it, and you are officially free-range.

Parking is available — just coordinate with me.

Towels — on your bed, with extras under the bathroom sink. The robes in the guest bathroom are clean and they’re yours.

Water — on the bathroom counter, with backup in the fridge. There is an aggressive amount of ice in the freezer.

Keys & elevator — the keychain has both the elevator code and the door code on it. Your DOOR app gets you into 31P and nothing else.

• Network: Emmi Midtown
• Password: 1rrjopek

• The overhead light and the fan are on wall switches, like it’s 1997.
• The nightstand lamps are dimmable — twist the base.
• Your room’s accent lights (the TV bars, the IG logo, and the two lights in the guest bath) are on the controls at the top of this page. While you’re here they are yours, and the house will not override them.
• Everything else in the apartment automates itself off whatever it knows — the weather, the time of day, how bright it already is, who’s home, what’s on my calendar, among other things. This is Zach’s home, after all.

• Input: HDMI 2
• Cast target: Penthouse Guest

You’ll need to be on the Emmi Midtown network. You’ll only see devices in my apartment — this building is high-tech, just like me.

• The Speaker slider at the top of this page is the Sonos in your room. If it says Offline, that speaker has dropped off the network — tell me.
• The rest of the house: Living Room (the Arc under the TV, plus surrounds), Kitchen, Bar, Bedroom, and Entry.
• To play something, open the Sonos app on your phone, or pick the speaker straight from Spotify.

The DeLonghi Rivelia on the counter will make you very nearly anything. There are two bean hoppers that swap out on top — try both, that’s the entire point of them.

How to run it: turn the machine on and let it finish its warm-up cycle. Don’t put a mug underneath until that’s done. Then tap a profile, tap your drink, adjust whatever you like, and press Start.

Mugs are in the cabinet directly above the machine.

Milk lives in the carafe in the fridge. After every milk drink, rotate the dial on the carafe lid to “Clean” and press Start to run the auto-clean cycle. Skip it and the next drink tastes haunted.

Tea & hot water — it makes plain hot water too. Use the hot water spout, which goes into the same slot as the milk carafe.

• Trash and recycling — both in the bin next to the bathroom. Left for recycling, right for trash.
• Compost — a foreign concept around here, but food waste only goes into the Reencle machine near the coat closet. Ask me and I’ll show you.

All of it is open 6 a.m. to midnight, and all of it needs me physically with you.

• Pool — the 10 p.m. to midnight quiet hours are genuinely enforced, since the apartments wrap right around the deck. No glass, no pets.
• Athletic Club (the gym) — workout attire, wipe things down, and please don’t slam the weights.
• Grills & firepits — both near the pool. For the grills, set the burn timer on the side, ignite for about three seconds, then turn clockwise. For the firepits, press the timer on the stand.
• West Lounge & Pool Lounge — two TVs, plus an outdoor movie screen at the pool. The remotes live at the concierge desk, and they’ll trade you one for your ID.

Quiet hours are 10 p.m. building-wide, not just at the pool.

That’s everything. Make yourself at home in the most literal sense: eat the snacks, light a candle, take a bath, stream porn, disassociate, and by all means try to break the smart home — we love an edge case.

If you need anything at all, just ask.